How to Have a Healthy Relationship with The Internet
If you imagined the Internet as a person, how would your relationship be with them? If it was a friend of yours, how would you describe them? How would you feel about them?
This may be a difficult mental exercise, but it is a valuable one: the Internet is a part of every single person’s life no matter how much or how little they use it themselves. It is a relationship - you have a connection and it is being developed every single moment of every day. Because the Internet is so big and so powerful, it can feel like you are powerless to influence your relationship to it. Many of us likely don’t have the healthiest relationship with the Internet. It dictates so much of our lives, it intrudes and overwhelms us with an endless tide of content. However, with some intention and awareness, you have much more power than you think to create a healthier dynamic.
What are the components of a healthy relationship?
In order to have a healthy relationship, we need to know what it is. Between humans, there are key indicators to the health of a relationship. I break these down into 3 categories: healthy communication, shared values, and enjoyable experience.
Healthy Communication
You’ve likely seen the word “boundaries”, but it’s important to know what it really means. According to licensed therapist and boundaries expert, Nedra Glover Tawwab, “Boundaries are rules, expectations, needs, and desires that help you feel safe and comfortable in life and in your relationships.” She emphasizes that boundaries are reinforced by the individual, that we are responsible for responding to any violations with changed behaviors. We do not simply “state” our boundaries and then expect other people to follow them. We have ongoing conversations about them and change our behavior to ensure our boundaries are being honored. For example, saying “don’t yell at me” is not a boundary, it’s a command. It has no reinforcement behind it. Instead, communicating “if you continue to yell at me, I will hang up, and I can have this conversation when you are not yelling,” is a clear and full boundary.
When you’re in a healthy relationship, you give your consent to conversations, activities, and behaviors that you engage in with the other person. You trust the other person to honor your boundaries and check in with your consent from time to time, which is founded on honesty. If you disagree or have a misunderstanding, you and the other person have enough willingness to stay connected and listen to the other person’s point of view to come back to repair and gain new understanding of each other: resulting in healthy conflict.
Shared Values
In a healthy relationship, you and your companion have a common understanding of how to operate in the world together. These are guided by values. For example, you may both value a certain level of independence: maybe you both pay for your equal share when you go out to eat, or you can both find your own way to the restaurant instead of riding together or navigating directions together. This can also vary depending on your connection and relationship to them. Similarly, you may have varying degrees of importance or definition when it comes to equality, support, and responsibility - every person has slight differences in how they approach and define these values and it’s important to acknowledge that when you’re in connection with someone else.
Enjoyable Experience
Finally, it feels the most obvious but that only goes to show how essential it is: you do want some level of enjoyment in a healthy relationship. Whether it is intellectually stimulating or simply secure and satisfying, each of us is seeking to experience a level of safety and enjoyment.
How do we apply this to the Internet?
So, yes I realize, the Internet is not actually a person, how can it provide space for shared values or respect our boundaries if it’s not human? It all comes down to how your behaviors are and what you would change with a full autonomy. Here’s a list of reflections and questions to consider. I recognize these are huge questions, some of which may take a very long time to answer. Rather than try to overwhelm yourself by asking all these questions at once, I invite you scan through them and choose perhaps 1-2 or choose a category and focus your attention there.
Healthy Communication
Boundaries & Consent
How often does the Internet change your mood?
When the Internet feels overwhelming, can you put it down?
Do you have rules in place for your notifications?
When you want to spend time doing other things, do you find yourself using the Internet instead?
Consider the following adjectives to describe the Internet and rank them from 1-10, 10 being the most:
useful
intrusive
supportive
helpful
triggering/upsetting
mind-numbing
confusing
hurtful
inspiring
informative
How do you feel about the rankings you’ve written? Would you want them to look different?
Trust & Honesty
How often do you read headlines and nothing else?
How often do you check who is writing or posting the content and assess their quality?
Do your apps and technology actually honor your privacy? Do they have options in place to make sure that your identity or information is kept within the channels you consent to?
Are you having open and honest conversations via the Internet in appropriate mediums? Does it feel like all surface level, all the time?
Do the mediums I use to access the Internet support healthy conflict? Are people admitting they are wrong or that they’ve learned something new when confronted? Does this affect me if I engage in it?
Shared Values
Independence, Autonomy, & Equality
Do you feel like your choices are your own while using the Internet?
Do you feel supported and able to use the medium as an equal participant among other participants? If not, how do you feel about that? Are you open to being in a sea of participants with varying degree of influence?
When you use the Internet, are you able to find things that you need? Access what you need to access? Does it feel difficult to use?
How empowered do you feel to participate however you want in whatever medium you use?
Responsibility and Support
Do you feel more connected to others through the Internet? How so?
Can you find support when you want or need it?
Can you participate in movements and share responsibility for co-creating spaces in the ways you desire? For example: if you are social justice focused, do you feel able to impact change and contribute to a fundraiser, call to action?
Enjoyable Experience
This sounds really obvious but I guarantee it’s important question to ask: are you enjoying your time on the Internet? Are you having fun or gaining something from it or surprised or nurtured or enriched? Are you experiencing what you hoped to experience?
Do you feel safe? Are you worried about encountering something upsetting or difficult? Do you feel able to express your authentic self, if this is something you wish to do? If ‘no’ to any of these questions: what contributes to your fears?
Taking the time to reflect on these many questions is a huge first step! The next part sounds simple because it is: start with 1 question and 1 change you’d like to see. Just one, no more than that. For any actions to create change for yourself, follow this criteria:
Identify 1 way to track the changed behavior in small increments. For example, if I want to reduce my screen time or use of an app, check the baseline in your phone first and then make your first goal to be 1-5 degrees less than what you’re currently at (if I use Instagram for 5 hours and I reduce it by 15 min, this is progress).
Identify 1 value that guides me in this change. If I realize I’m not enjoying myself on the Internet, then my value of “fun” is not being met.
As you take on one small piece at a time, we are looking to create momentum: cascading effects that start with a small pebble rolling down the mountain to snowball into an avalanche of changes based around your values. Your relationship as a whole with any person or entity, even the Internet, is built on small steps made with intention.
