San Francisco - San Jose - Los Angeles

Therapy for Perfectionism

Recovering Perfectionists Unite

Breaking out of the habit of perfectionism can feel impossible. It got us so far in life, after all. At the same time, perfection can feel relentless. Nothing is ever good enough. Whether we’ve met our goals or accomplished something meaningful, we can experience feeling empty, anxious, or unfulfilled—always looking ahead to the next thing rather than enjoying our moment in the sun. “Perfect” can also be an unclear term for us. Oftentimes, we mistake high quality and effort for the pursuit of perfection. Getting clear on what truly matters to us, what “perfect” has meant to us, and how to adjust this definition to fit what is realistic and reasonable while honoring our whole self—not just our “doing” self or “useful” self—can free us from the bonds of ‘never enough’ and open us to the joy of life again.

What kind of perfectionist are you?

 Common Questions in Therapy About Perfectionism

  • Anxiety is rooted in our nervous system, and it is activated with our "fight/flight/freeze/fawn" response. Perfectionism pushes us past what is realistic or reasonable and forces us to generate energy from limited resources. This is ok if used sparingly, but if we are trying to be perfect all the time, this drains us and anxiety takes over to try to make more and more energy from a dwindling battery.

  • This is something my clients ask a lot. The short answer is no, the long answer is: it feels uncomfortable to confront how you feel about your work and accomplishments at times, and as we learn about what matters to you, it might feel like lowering at first. It's worth discovering what these words ("perfect", "standards", "quality", etc.) even mean to us.

  • Perfectionists are super prone to procrastination. We often hesitate to start anything without a clear plan or direction, and it can lead to lots of feelings of shame and guilt, stress and anxiety or depression.

    We start by addressing the feelings and allowing them to simply be, instead of pushing them away. We then can break down tasks into small enough pieces that feel the most doable. The aim is to create momentum rather than focusing on the outcome or end result.