The Anti-Anxiety Tool I Use Every Day
When anxiety is really loud, it’s hard to get anything done or to know what to do next. For most of my life, I’ve had anxiety: not just a fear or a worry about something happening in real life, but the kind of worry that compounds, extends beyond what is reasonable or founded in actual reality and creates new realities in which everything is falling apart. It’s annoying on a regular day, overwhelming on stressful days, and at more intense times terrifying and paralyzing.
Learning how to not just manage but overcome anxiety can feel like a long and arduous road. However, once I started applying the right tools and connecting with support systems that truly allowed me to be myself, anxiety is now simply another part of me. On a day to day basis, I feel regulated, calm, confident, and safe in my body. It is the goal I have for every single one of my clients and my hope for humanity as a whole.
One of my favorite tools comes from Acceptance Commitment Therapy (ACT), an evidence-based therapeutic modality rooted in CBT but goes beyond behaviors and thoughts into values and experiential healing. I’ll share what it is and how to use it, so you can tap in to this amazing reframe and transform your anxiety into useful information.
The Challenge: Fusion
In ACT, we say that if you are unable to separate yourself from the feeling you’re experiencing (in this case, anxiety) then you are fused with that feeling. “I’m so anxious today, I don’t know what to do,” or “I can’t make a decision,” or “It’s too much,” are all examples of things you might say when you’re fused with anxiety. Think of it as anxiety is in the driver’s seat in your mind. If that feeling is in charge, all your thoughts and decisions and other emotions are being directed in some way due to anxiety’s influence.
When we haven’t used this kind of framing or language before, it can feel kind of strange. Some people that I’ve worked with have a hard time separating from a feeling, especially one as strong and pervasive as anxiety. “Isn’t this just me? Isn’t it who I am?” It can take some processing and exploration, but the short answer is simply “no”. One feeling is not your entire identity. Not anxiety, nor sadness, nor anger, nor joy, nor calm, nor boredom. Each feeling is a part of the constellation that is you. It’s my goal as a therapist to help each person balance these feelings in a way that allows them to tap into their emotions proportional to what is happening within their control and within reality, and to make conscious, intentional decisions with the wisdom of their emotions as well as logic as a collective.
The Every Day Anti-Anxiety Tool: Defusion
Therefore, if we can practice defusion, it provides us the space to see not only our feeling in a new way but also see ourselves for who we truly are. When we get space, even just a little bit, we make room for other feelings and other thoughts to shift how we are observing this moment as a whole. Anxiety is often compounding on itself; defusion is a powerful way to stop anxiety spirals and prevent it from snowballing into oblivion. How do we do this? According to ACT, there are many ways to tap into this tool and it’s important to learn how you and your brain work to find the strategy or technique that works best for you. I’ll share my favorite for this post, and I’m sure there will be future posts where I share more.
Refer to the Third Person
This is where I start with everyone: practice using the third person to refer to your thoughts, your mind, your feelings, your parts. Using a question such as, “What is your mind telling you?” is a powerful defusion tool. It may seem like such a small change, an arbitrary linguistic choice, but it is deceptively strong. I use this technique the most on myself as well as with my clients. By using the third person in my reflection, I am immediately reminding myself that I am the observer and the feeling, while overwhelming, will never be bigger than me.
For example, if I’m talking to someone and they say,
Client: “I’ve been so burnt out. I’m so tired every day. It’s never ending. The work, the responsibilities, the pings, the meetings. I don’t know what to do.”
Chay: “It’s a lot, you have a ton on your plate and the weight is overwhelming. What are your thoughts saying while you’re at work?”
Client: “My thoughts? They’re like ‘You’re not trying hard enough’ and at the same time they’re like, ‘No one appreciates me’ and ‘It’s never gonna stop being like this’.”
Chay: “Ah ok, so your thoughts sound like they’re in two parts. One thought is critical of you, shaming you for not trying hard enough. The other thought is leaning toward resentment, maybe some despair.”
Client: “Yeah, that feels right. I feel like I’m being shoved back and forth between them both and they keep trying to talk louder than the other one. I feel so tired.”
Chay: “It sounds like both parts really want you to change something but they’re working against each other at the same time. I’m hearing you really need rest before you change anything.”
Client: “Yes. I need my thoughts to stop too. It’s like they’re just echoing how I feel at work every day.”
Chay: “Ok so first: keep using that third person. Each thought pattern is a part of you, but not the same as your full self. Let’s tap into your imagination and see if you can place one object in front of you to represent the critical part, and one object to represent your despairing part. Let’s practice taking a moment to ground while they are separated from you and see how we can validate both parts while also getting the rest you need and deserve.”
Some other versions of this question for you to try:
Notice this feeling or thought. Practice saying “I am having the thought/feeling that…”
Finish this sentence, “When I have this thought/feeling, I notice that my behavior changes from ___ to ___.”
What is my mind / thought / feeling / brain saying? (Make sure to answer with third person! It, he/she/they/xe/etc.)
My mind gets hooked or stuck like glue to this thought: _____.
If we assume your thoughts are trying to help you, what do they want for you?
Defusion and Anchoring/Grounding go hand in hand. When we are able to take a step back from our feelings and thoughts, taking a moment to find our anchor is essential. The way I do this is to take a moment to connect to the physical world. Something as simple as pressing your feet into the floor or your hands into the table stimulates the brain to connect the mental ‘stepping back’ with something tangible and therefore: real. Finding a steady breathing rhythm is a common anchoring technique, and I tell clients to exhale more slowly than inhaling. This activates the parasympathetic nervous system, aka the rest & digest system which is what balances the sympathetic or fight or flight system.
By practicing this simple but powerful combo, I have seen both personally and professionally, time and time again, how anxiety dissipates and makes way for each person to live life the way they want to live it. I hope this can be added to your toolbox and you see relief from your anxiety with time and practice.
