5 Steps on How to Love the Present Moment
Anxiety is focused one of two things: the past or the future. It is always longing for something better and either trying to solve the puzzle of what went wrong, or it’s fixated on what can be improved further. Can we interrupt the pattern of constant fixing? Can we break the tendency for us to believe that “the grass is always greener on the other side”? Why are we the way that we are? And if we understand it, can we overcome it?
In therapy, we spend a lot of time revisiting experiences from the past or exploring imagined experiences in the future. One of the extraordinary gifts of being human lies in our ability to plan, imagine, and create new realities from mere concepts. Humans have built foundations of modern society of our world today because of this ability.
However, every gift has a dark side, and when fear and imagination collide constantly, it creates the anxious society that surrounds us. In the U.S. especially, we spend much of our work days toiling endlessly to prevent problems or to fix the problems from the past. It can be rare to find people and work that allows us to be present in the here and now. We are conditioned repeatedly that this is a good thing, that it’s important to work so hard, that we need to be busy, need to be productive. Urgency is a huge part of American culture and capitalist society: urgency is competitive and pushes you towards action, deemed “good” and “superior”, because… well, action makes money.
Anxiety takes this urgency for action and runs wild. It imagines scenarios that have never happened and likely never will; it pushes us to feel bad about ourselves when we aren’t actively preventing discomfort or unfortunate events. It forces us to repeat things over and over in our minds when it feels threats aren’t sufficiently dealt with. Anxiety does not dwell in the present. It’s always looking over the fence at something else’s superiority or criticizing the issues and attempting to plan to fix them. Anxiety works to generate more energy for action when we are running on empty.
Ironically, in order to generate the energy that anxiety is trying to get, we need to rest. Rest is mainly located in the present. We need to stop being busy and stop doing, stop not just the outward actions, but also the thoughts and the energetic allocation in our bodies. We need to let go. We need to exhale. We need to surrender, release, and allow ourselves to be held where it is safe.
But due to this heightened, prolonged sense of urgency reinforced by an anxious brain and an anxious society, as well as some very real dangers in our day to day lives, we experience the present to be very uncomfortable. In fact, we’ve gotten so used to being so busy that being here, now, is overwhelming, jarring, filled with restlessness and discomfort. We are so used to doing things. To be “doing nothing” is not only wrong, it’s straight up evil. “Idle hands are the devil’s workshop,” is literally in the bible.
Fortunately, in my perspective, we are finally coming to a crossroads: an opportunity for integration of the modern, industrialized era with the wisdom of indigenous, sustainable cultures. More and more, we are faced with the reality that the world will not survive if we continue to mass-produce, over indulge, and participate in a never-ending urgency culture. In the world of healing and advocacy, organizations such as the Nap Ministry are bringing awareness and education to the very real connection between rest and healing from the toxicity of colonization, racism, and slavery. Tricia Hersey, founder of the Nap Ministry, has created workshops, art installations, and coaching to inspire communities to practice rest—and yes, it must be practiced. Just like anything else in life, our bodies and brains must repeat in order to learn, practice regularly in order to maintain mastery.
How to Practice Loving the Present Moment
I’m a fan of steps to help organize your thoughts, like re-orienting your brain’s algorithm to understand how to approach a different way of *being*, especially when we are so used to ‘doing’. So although this is a very loose and often creative and flexible practice, here are some steps to guide you:
Observe the Here & Now
Identify the Barriers, If Any
Find a Feeling to Cultivate
Gradually Extend the Time
Rinse & Repeat :)
Observe the Here & Now
Start by placing yourself in a space that feels relatively comfortable while putting away technology for a while. Perhaps this means walking or or standing or sitting somewhere. It helps of course to do this alone or with someone you trust to help you regulate.
Notice your breath. No need to change it, simply notice it, as though you were casually glancing around a room and observing the color of it.
Notice where your body contacts a solid surface: your feet as you walk or stand, your legs or bottom or back where you sit. If it helps, press gently into the surface with the left side of your body and then let go and do the same on your right side. If you’re walking, you are already doing this naturally. This helps stimulate the bilateral crossing of stimulation in your body and brain, easing the nervous system.
Notice your 5 senses: sight, sound, touch, smell, and taste. What is observable in each one, here and now? If there is a sense that feels especially grounding, spend a few seconds longer in it. Breathe in deeply for a soothing smell. Close your eyes and listen to the sounds or music as though you might never hear it again. Hold the taste of a bite of food, feeling the textures or extending the flavor on your tongue. Rest your eyes on a scene that allows you a moment of peace, noticing the colors or the textures or feeling of connection with a loved one or being in the scene. Take a moment to focus your attention on your skin and the sensation of the feeling you get from an object: a soft blanket or piece of clothing, the fur of a fuzzy friend, the smoothness of a stone, the edges of a fascinating fidget, the weight of a heavy blanket or book in your lap.
It’s ok and actually to be expected that this process brings up barriers. You may find it hard to concentrate. You will feel your brain pulling you away from the present moment to other things. You might even notice your inner critic telling you how bad you are at this. This is part of the process! And if any of these are coming up, congratulations! You’re doing it right.
Identify the Barriers
Barriers are often in the form of feelings. In order to overcome these barriers, we need to give them names. If you need support (I always do), refer to a Feelings Wheel to help you identify a specific feeling that fits with how you feel. Then put it to words.
Examples:
Ugh! I feel frustrated, this is so simple and it’s still so hard for me.
I feel ridiculous. This is such a dumb thing to try.
I feel embarrassed. Why is this something I’m learning as an adult?
I feel surprised - this is actually helping a little bit.
I feel lost, why isn’t this working? Am I doing this right?
I feel sad that I haven’t done this in such a long time. I feel sad that it’s so hard for me to do this.
I feel overwhelmed. I don’t like being alone with my thoughts like this. There’s so much.
I feel encouraged. This isn’t easy but I’m trying something new to help my anxiety.
Each feeling has a job and all of them are tasked with helping you in some way. I often invite my clients to consider the possibility that each feeling, no matter how unpleasant, is trying to do something very important for you - even if it’s getting in the way. By practicing getting to know your feelings by naming them and starting to tap into curiosity, you can access the gift within the barrier. Each feeling is often pointing to a need.
Example:
If feeling lost was trying to help me, what would it be trying to do?
When I feel lost, I have a lot of questions. I need someone else to help me, with resources or new information. Or I feel stuck and I need to stop doing what I’m doing and try to find another way to do things.
If feeling sad was trying to help me, what would it be trying to do?
When I feel sad, it highlights what is truly important to me. Maybe it’s something I’ve forgotten or I haven’t been able to focus on it. Being sad pushes me to slow down.
Find a Feeling to Cultivate
After identifying barriers, usually the feeling we practice cultivating is curiosity. This is a powerful feeling that allows us to step back from the intensity of an experience and take it in holistically. We aren’t just focused on the pain or struggle, we are also giving a chance to reconnect with something bigger than that. Being curious is, like any other feeling, something we can practice doing according to our values. Practicing curiosity looks like:
Putting on a scientist’s perspective: observation and data collection with the intention of experimentation
Saying “I wonder what happened here..”
Allowing space for the possibility of more than 1 answer
Listening for other perspectives
Asking “how could this be different with even a small change?”
Other feelings you might try to cultivate:
Acceptance
Grace
Generosity
Hope
Interest
Courage
Gradually Extend the Time
If you can practice a feeling for even 5 seconds - this is a huge improvement! Feelings are seeds that can grow quickly. They are very powerful if given the right space and time. Choose 1 feeling and practice using it at work, at home, at school. Even 1x day is a great starting point. Give yourself the chance to remember and notice it. “Give yourself the credit” as I tell my clients regularly. Like an investment, this will grow and compound interest over time. :)
Rinse & Repeat
Do it again, over and over, with different feelings and different experiences! Some will be easier or more difficult than others, some more boring or uninteresting or intriguing. Experimentation is key. Being with the present is one thing; loving it is quite another. For a lot of us, the present moment has brought pain and hardship. We need to build trust again with the present moment in order to embrace it, to love it in all forms.
Finding a present moment that you enjoy and can feel immersed in is a powerful experience. The moment of rest will plant a seed that extends beyond, allowing you to grow and transform being the urgency culture and let go of anxiety. I hope this helps you any time you want to practice being with and eventually loving the present!
